


kyuhyuk | mirror, mirror

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Gen, Sort of? - Freeform, flangst, idk - Freeform, kyuhyuk - Freeform, non-au, set in 2014 right before the mamacita shooting, this was hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 07:45:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16013447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: Sometimes, words really do hurt.





	kyuhyuk | mirror, mirror

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jaeopardy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeopardy/gifts).



It’s dumb, it’s all so dumb, and Hyukjae feels dumb for even feeling this way. He stands in front of the mirror and sighs. His hair is a garish bleached blonde, and his scalp still feels the burn of the multiple bleachings he’d endured. He leans forward to examine his pores, checking for any acne spots hiding beneath the surface. They’re shooting for the album jacket tomorrow, and the last thing he needs is for a huge pimple to be immortalized forever on their album artwork.

Not like the editors would keep it anyways. They spend so much time in hair and makeup only for the graphic artists photoshop away every single blemish and imperfection. He often wonders why they even bother shooting photos in the first place. It’s 2014: Why can’t the editors just create computer-generated photos of them so they don’t have to endure the hours of styling, not to mention the weeks of dieting and exercising leading up to the comeback?

Besides, Hyukjae’s images always seem computer-generated to him anyways. The editors are so liberal with the Photoshop that the end product never matches what Hyukjae sees in the mirror. The glossy photos are the ideal, what Super Junior’s Eunhyuk should be, but the tired boy in the ratty t-shirt looking back from the mirror is the real Lee Hyukjae. He frowns at his reflection and feels dread about tomorrow’s jacket shooting pooling in his stomach.

He doesn’t mind the actual photoshoot. Everyone is always in a good mood, and all the members poke fun at each other. They’ll take some group shots, always with Siwon standing tall and handsome in the middle. Hyukjae and Ryeowook will both make comments about how it’s really unfair that Siwon is in front when he’s so tall already, and shouldn’t they put him in the back to even everyone out? They’ll order food, they’ll talk about the album, they’ll take dumb selfies for the photocards, they’ll have a good time.

But then they’ll get the album proofs to look over, and suddenly, the laughter will die down. Everyone evaluates the photos seriously, complimenting this, critiquing that. But all Hyukjae will see are his eyes that are definitely bigger, his chin that looks more pointed than normal, and his skin that is airbrushed beyond belief. Everyone else will look more or less the same, a zit erased here, some dark circles lightened there, but Hyukjae won’t even recognize the face staring back at him.

 _“It doesn’t even look like me,”_ he’d said the last time.

 _“Of course it looks like you,”_ one of the stylists had said, chuckling. _“Who else would it look like?”_

Hyukjae looks at his reflection in the mirror with a grimace. If only the fans could see him now, he thinks to himself. Dark bags under his eyes, overgrown eyebrows that threaten to converge into one, and stubble that’s so patchy it’s embarrassing. The rational part of his brain reminds him that none of the members look their best immediately after waking up, and it’s true. Hyukjae has truly seen them all at their absolute worst, but that means that they’ve seen him looking hideous too.

It’d be so much easier if he had ugly band members. When they’re at the airport, he’ll see all sorts of normal guys his age and wonders why they couldn’t be in his band instead of Korea’s prince Lee Donghae, nation’s cutie Lee Sungmin, and of course, worldwide handsome guy Choi Siwon. At least he’s taller than Donghae and Sungmin, and at least he has abs now, and at least he has really good makeup artists, and at least his hair now covers his ears that are just too big for his head. He smooths his hair over his ears in an attempt to make them less noticeable before pulling up his shirt to examine his torso. He needs to hit the gym again, but his body isn’t looking too terrible. He runs a hand over his stomach and flexes, the muscles sharp and defined under his touch.

“What are you doing?”

Hyukjae immediately drops his shirt and turns to see Kyuhyun standing in the doorway of the bathroom, with a smirk on his face. He hadn’t realized anyone else was home, otherwise he probably would have shut the door. Not that that had stopped any of the members before but still…

“I’m just, you know…” the words die in his throat, and he feels his face burning with embarrassment. They’ve all seen each other naked a million times, but sharing his thoughts and insecurities somehow seems far more intrusive.

“Checking to make sure you’re still ugly?” Kyuhyun asks, chortling.

And with that, something inside Hyukjae breaks. He feels his shoulders slump, and he mumbles a “maybe” as he feels this cloud of hurt settling over him. He doesn’t even have the energy to slam the door in Kyuhyun’s face or tell him off like he normally does.

It’s one of those things where he _knows_ Kyuhyun doesn’t mean it to be malicious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. The members always joke around with each other at another’s expense, and they’ve gotten so used to it over the years that they sometimes forget that picking at the same old scars can still make them bleed.

They all joke that he’s ugly, and sometimes he joins in. He’ll make some comment about how he wants to be Choi Siwon for the day to know what it’s like to be ugly, and everyone will laugh uproariously because isn’t it _so_ inconceivable that anyone could consider Hyukjae to be better looking than Siwon and what a _good_ variety sense Hyukjae has! That’s what he is: he’s funny, he does gags well, and he’s a good fall guy. And he is all of those things but…

“Hey, are you okay?” Kyuhyun’s voice breaks into his thoughts. It’s softer now, and Hyukjae glances up to see Kyuhyun staring at him with a look of concern.

“I’m fine,” Hyukjae replies, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Are you sure?” Kyuhyun asks.  

“Yeah,” Hyukjae says. He forces a smile onto his face. “Still ugly.”

Kyuhyun’s quiet for a moment and offers a weak smile. “Better wash that off before the photoshoot tomorrow,” he says, a lame attempt at humor.

Hyukjae turns back to the mirror. “Yeah.”

“That’s it?” Kyuhyun asks. “You’re not going to tell me that I’ll need a fire hose to wash all the ugly off my face?”

Hyukjae shrugs.

“Hey,” Kyuhyun says, and Hyukjae feels Kyuhyun’s hand gently pulling his shoulder back so he’s facing him once more. “What’s going on?”

It’s dumb, it’s so dumb. They’ve joked about this a thousand times before, and it really shouldn’t be a big deal. Kyuhyun will tell Hyukjae that nobody liked his debut hair, Hyukjae will tell Kyuhyun that nobody liked him when he debuted period, and they’ll go back and forth. Armpit this, big head that, smelly feet this, weird ears that. It’s a game and it’s harmless and it’s all in good fun and--

“Are you upset because I called you ugly?”

Hyukjae shrugs noncommittally. He doesn’t want to admit it, because admitting it makes everything worse. It means that it’s _true_ , and the last thing he needs is pity.

“I-I-I didn’t mean it,” Kyuhyun says quickly, “I mean, really, we’re all kind of ugly, you know, everybody’s kind of ugly,” Kyuhyun continues, attempting to console him. “I’m kind of ugly, you’re kind of ugly, even Donghae’s kind of ugly.”

“No, he’s not,” Hyukjae protests, raising his head just a little.

“Okay, he’s not,” Kyuhyun concedes, “but my point is, we mere mortals are all a little less than perfect.” There’s a beat, and then, “You know, like Ryeowook’s pocket-sized and Teuk’s nose is fake and Heechul can’t get ripped to save his life and well, you know, I wasn’t born with these beautiful eyes.”

Hyukjae snorts, but he feels a bit lighter. “Don’t tell anybody, but I think Donghae’s hairline is receding,” he offers.

“Exactly,” Kyuhyun says. “You can bleach your hair a thousand times while he’s out there applying Rogaine every night.”

At that, Hyukjae snickers, and he finally lifts his head to look at Kyuhyun who now looks less apologetic and much more conspiratorial. “So really,” he continues, “we’re all just an ugly bunch of losers.”

“Speak for yourself,” Hyukjae replies. “I may be ugly, but I’m not a loser.”

Kyuhyun chortles and pats Hyukjae on the head, “Only one of those statements is true, Hyuk.” But his voice softens, and he says, “Honestly, I didn’t realize that it bothered you, and I’m sorry, Hyuk. I really am. And for what it’s worth, you really are charming”

The edges of Hyukjae’s mouth tug into a smile, this one very much real. “Ehh,” he says, feeling his face flush once again.

He lets Kyuhyun pull him into a hug and leans into his familiar embrace. He’d always been jealous of Kyuhyun being taller than he was, but now he feels protected in Kyuhyun’s arms. It’s… nice. He leans against Kyuhyun and takes deep calming breaths, trying to recenter. It works, and he feels the hurt inside finally starting to abate.

“This may be cheesy to say,” Kyuhyun says after a while, “you really are a handsome idiot.”

Hyukjae lifts his head to look over Kyuhyun’s shoulder and into the mirror. “You know, I think I’d rather be ugly than stupid.”

Kyuhyun guffaws loudly. “Ain’t that the truth,” he replies, letting go of Hyukjae with a supportive pat on the back.

They should spend the rest of the morning hitting the gym one last time before the shoot tomorrow, but instead the two of them spend it playing video games and talking about all the places they still want to travel. It’s a comfortable afternoon, and by the time Hyukjae is staring back at his face in the mirror as he brushes his teeth, he thinks he’ll be ready to face tomorrow.

After all, they’re all kind of ugly, and that’s what makes them human.

“Maybe Siwon isn’t really human after all,” he speculates to Kyuhyun after spitting toothpaste into the sink.

Kyuhyun, to his credit, agrees.

Hyukjae finishes washing up and tucks himself into bed. Tomorrow will come whether he wants it to or not, but his heart feels much lighter than it did this morning.

“Stupid Kyuhyun,” he chuckles to himself. He really had made everything so much better.

Hyukjae leans over and turns off the light on his nightstand. He lies back against the pillow and closes his eyes, and before he knows it, he’s fast asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love ♡
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/plincess_cho) / [tumblr](http://plincess-cho.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also this was really hard to write because Hyukjae is so handsome :<


End file.
